More isn't enough
by HushBlush
Summary: The thing about secrets is they can rip someones life apart. They can make you desperate, they can make you dangerous. How is his any different?
1. I can feel it

I can feel it run through my veins, rush through my head. I close my eyes and take it all in. Everything speeds up and never stops. My heart is beating so fast I can feel it in my eyes. I love the feeling of never slowing down. Everything seems to fade out; I don't have to think about anything but breathing. One isn't enough, two can work for awhile, three makes you fly, and four, well four is another story. I hold the strong frame in my hand; I can see the beautiful blonde smiling back at me. I blew the small grains of yellowish powder off the glass to get a better look. She's all I think about, she makes me do what I do, and she makes me scream. I sit beside the tub with the chopped straw in my hand. I know I shouldn't do this now, everyone is home. I love the risk with the rush. I tap the powder onto the glass, I lightly take the straw and chop the chunks and move it into a line. I finally lift the straw piece to my right nostril.

"Jackson what the hell is taking so long?" I heard Miley yell through the door.

"You have your own bathroom" I yelled

"I left my toothbrush" She retorted

"Give me a minute" I pleaded. I needed to finish what I started. I slowly got to my feet and felt the slight burn through my nasal cavity. It hit my brain like a ton of bricks. I placed the straw in my pocket as well as the frame. I bent over the sink and splashed cool water on my face. It tingled as it slid down my neck. My heart had a rhythm, a rhythm I want to dance to. I turned the faucet off and everything went blurry. I brushed my hair from my forehead as my eyes darted from corner to corner. What was I looking for? I didn't know. I took a last look in the mirror. The blood must have rushed to my eyes in seconds. I felt the beads of sweat run to my lips. I quickly turned the handle of the door and brushed past my sister with my head down. I made it to my room without running. I fumbled through the door and rushed to the dresser. I shoved the frame, my stash, and the straw to the back of the drawer. I grabbed a pack of cigarettes and made it to my open window. I sparked a cigarette and took a deep drag. I was fascinated by the curls of smoke rolling through my lips and out the window. I looked far and saw the beach. I wanted to scream to the air. My hand shook as I tapped the ashes out of the window. My head was spinning. My heart lusted for more. I walked back to my dresser and grabbed everything. I sat down next to the window and tapped another line. I looked down at the face of the girl that drove me crazy. "She's too young for me" I thought as pleasure slipped into my body. I dusted the light yellow residue from my fingers and brought my knees to my chest. I took a drag from the cigarette I almost forgot about. I blew the smoke to the picture. "Why does she have to be so beautiful?" I thought as I rocked back and forth. I couldn't sit still any longer. I wanted to run, I couldn't think, I needed something. But what? I put the frame under my bed, the wrest in my pocket. No one can know what I do, what I've done. The door opened faster then I could turn my head. Shit I forgot to lock it.

"Get the fuck out of here Miley!" I screamed to the brunette

"Jackson dinners done and were you smoking in here?" she asked looking confused

"I'm not hungry" I spit as I wiped beads of sweat from my face

"I'm not going to tell dad about you smoking if that's why you're sweating" she said. The anger flooded in my veins and adrenalin pumped. I wanted to hurt her; I wanted to make her feel the pain that I do. She can see her everyday, she knows her, and she's her best friend.

"Get the fuck out" I said through gritted teeth as I slammed the door in her face. I smiled at my own little secret. If only Miley knew smoking wasn't my only addiction.

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_Should i continue this story? review and let me know if i should. _


	2. A little so far

I let out a small breath of relief when I stood by the window watching Miley and dad leave. Or maybe I should call her Hannah, the bitchy little wannabe pop star who gets everything she ever wants. I always get stuck in the backseat. I walked over to the dresser and pulled out my newest stash. I held the small bag in my hand and studied it. It looked a little different. I stood there and just gawked at it for the longest time. It was beautiful; it had small crystals hiding in the powder. It almost upset me to crush them. I've been up for two days since Miley found me smoking. My dad thinks im sick. Well guess what I am sick, sick of everything, sick of little miss perfect, sick of needing a high, sick of wanting the girl who has the only place in my heart but most of all im sick of breathing. Coopers getting on my fucking nerves. "What's gonna happen if you run out and you can't score more? What are you gonna do then?" he's always asking. Everyone wants to hound me about everything, Jackson this, Jackson that, blah blah blah. I pulled he small frame out of the drawer and set it in the light. She couldn't get any more beautiful. I checked the pack of cigarettes on the dresser. Shit I was down to the last one. I sparked it anyway. I led myself to the window and looked to beach. I always find myself doing the same thing. I grabbed the frame and crouched down, I tapped the crushed crystal onto the glass, and I released myself into the line. I felt the burn, I loved the burn. I put the frame back in its hiding spot and turned around to be face to face with the girl who ruins me.

"Is Miley here" she asked

"I-uh-no, no she's not" I answered quickly. I felt my mind speed up. I could no longer stand in front of her. I sort of paced around the room. She started talking again. I did a little jump to face her.

"Jackson what's been going on with you lately?" she asked

"I think I just have a little cold or something" I stuttered

"Don't give me that bull Jackson" she said in a rude tone

"Don't be such a bitch Lilly" I mimicked in the same tone

"Im not being the only bitch" Lilly yelled as she turned out of my room

"Lilly stop, come on I didn't mean it the way it sounded" I yelled after her

"Fuck you Jackson!" She yelled slamming the front door

God why does she have to get so testy? I just called her one little name and she goes ape shit on me. If only she knew what she does to me inside. I felt a pang in my heart as I realized I really must have hurt her. I turned back to the window; my cigarette was nearly burned out. I felt like I couldn't breathe, I was choking. I tore the drawer form the dresser, my hand shook so bad I couldn't hold on to anything. I picked up the picture; I traced Lilly's face in the frame when everything turned upside down. The anger just boiled to the surface. I closed my eyes and imagined she was in front of me once again. I wanted to choke her. I wanted to make her feel real pain. I felt dangerous, damn near invincible. I threw the frame as hard as I could. I snapped out of my alternate reality by the sound of breaking glass. I looked towards the wall; I saw the broken frame and torn picture. "What am I turning into?" I asked myself. I wanted to hurt my sister; I wanted to hurt the only girl that has ever meant anything to me. I felt the nausea take over. I ran to the bathroom, I looked up and saw myself in the mirror. I didn't know who I was looking at. The eyes of that person were terrifying, swollen with the darkest circles, so dark you get lost in the blackness of his pupils, his skin was pale and cracked, his lips dryer then the sand on the beach. But im sure if you looked passed the physical things you could see it was still me. My brain itched for more of the sweet crystals, I felt through my pockets and found the small bag. I just tapped it out on the counter. I heard the foot steps making their way right to me. I tried to shove my stash in my pocket, I missed, and the toxic powder fell like snow on the bathroom tiles. I slammed to my knees trying to salvage my sweet escape. The foot steps grew louder as I swiped the tiles with my hands. I put as much as I could on the counter. Which wasn't much; a pinch or two, I didn't know what to do with it. I could only think of one thing. "I've only had a little today so far, it wont hurt me any" I thought as I felt the rush. The foot steps passed the door. I felt dirty, I felt used, I felt ashamed, but mostly I felt torn.

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_yeah i guess i'll continue this story. I know its diffrent. If you havent figured out what drug jackson's on its meth, crank, glass, whatever you wanna call it. Its got plenty of slang terms. _


	3. Weak

The ache in my stomach was getting worse as I watched the hands of the clock tick by slowly. I wanted to fork my eyes out and drop them in ice. I was starting to feel the lack of food in my stomach. I didn't want to eat. I didn't think I could eat. I held the glass of water in my hand. The water felt like little grains of sand slipping down my throat. I knew what I needed. What I needed I didn't have. The sirens in my head sounded from the short blast of dizziness I got from standing up. I tightened my belt; I could fit a fist down the waist band. I guess my new life style was taking its toll on my body. If I didn't find something soon I was going to go crazy. I dug frantically through the drawers of my dresser, nothing, I dashed to the edge of my bed, nothing, I went through unwashed clothes, nothing but a few cigarette butts. My ears grew sensitive to the sounds around me.

It's been 2 days since I had any of my sweet surrender. I needed the high. My head was pounding, I was sick of the pains in my stomach. I walked down to the beach where I found something better then the drugs.

"Hey Lilly" I said

"Oh my god you look like shit" she replied

"Not lookin' to bad yourself angel" I said

"Im not your angel" she snapped

"You're my everything" I whispered softly so she couldn't hear

"What?" she asked

"Oh nothing" I replied

I sat in the sand next to the beautiful girl. I slipped my arm around her shoulders carefully.

"Come on Jackson" she huffed

"What?" I asked stupidly

"I haven't forgotten what happened?" she snapped

"That was a long time ago, god cant you let things go" I yelled

"Just get away from me" she yelled

I walked away and I met Cooper at Rico's.

"Do you have any?" I asked

"Not for you" Cooper said

"Come on share a little" I pleaded

"Whatever" he replied slipping the small bag in my hand. After I let myself lose I decided to find Lilly. Sure enough she was right where she was before.

"Im sorry" I offered

"Sorry for what you did or sorry for earlier?" she asked

"Sorry for both" I said as I sat back down beside her

"What's been going on with you Jackson" she asked

"Nothing I've just been doing a lot of thinking" I said as I felt the effect of what I longed for. The headache subsided as I felt the surge through my veins.

"Thinking about what?" she asked

"You." I said grabbing her hand

"Jackson don't" she warned

"You never said no before" I said

"I did say no you just didn't care" She said

"But I did care" I replied as I grasped harder

"Jackson you're hurting me" she whined

"What? Like you hurt me?" I said squeezing harder

"Jackson" she yelled trying to pull away. I wasn't going to let that happen.

"Jackson" I mimicked

"Please" she pleaded with tears in her eyes

"Please" I mimicked pulling her to her feet and closer to me. I grabbed the back of her head and kissed her with all the passion I could. I could hear her whine under my lips.

"Cant you shut up and enjoy this" I growled at her. She was making me so angry.

"Let me go" she said with tears slipping to her chin. I let her go and she pushed me right off my feet. I couldn't contain it any longer. I grabbed her wrist again, I lifted my left hand and with all the strength I let it land on her face. She looked at me and stumbled backward, but I still had her in my grasp. I let myself fall on to her. I kissed her again and I let my free hand glide the front of her body. I was aware of her obvious sobs. I stood up.

"I shouldn't even waste my time" I said as I walked away

I looked back to see her in the fetal position rocking back and forth. I could still hear her crying. I felt a knot gather in my throat as I finally realized what I had done. I tried to hurt her again. She will never forgive me for this one. I should have just had her when I had the chance. I got home and opened the door. The first thing I felt was a hand across my face.

"How could you do this Jackson" Miley yelled

"Do what?" I asked

"You know what you did to Lilly" she screamed

"What about what she did to me?" I yelled back

"You hurt her" she screamed

"She told me she loved me and threw me away" I yelled

"No she didn't you know she doesn't like you stop making things up. She called and told me what happened" she yelled

"She wanted it" I finished


	4. Sleep of the dead

I think im worried about Lilly. Im not sure. She hasn't come over to see Miley in weeks. She's just being a bitch. I feel like a monster. I never meant to hurt her again. She just doesn't know what she does to me. I should probably talk to her. I should probably wait. I don't know I yelled grabbing my hair. Why does everything have to be so hard? I haven't slept in three days. I haven't eaten in just as long. With that thought my stomach protested for being empty for so long. I walked down stairs to the kitchen. I grabbed everything I could find. When I finished I wiped orange dust from a bag of Cheetos on my jeans and threw away boxes and wrappers and put bowls in the sink.

"Ugh pig!" I heard my sister say

"I was hungry" I said through a mouthful of chips

"Wash the dishes oinker" she stated walking to the door

"I will just give me a minute" I said taking note of my sleepless brain

"You're here a little bit early" I heard Miley say from the door

"Wait, Miles, who's here?" I called

"Jackson, I need you to watch Dustin. My parents aren't gonna be home till Tuesday and I have things to do today." I heard Lilly say as she walked over and handed me a car seat.

"Wait, why do I have to watch him?" I protested looking down at the small baby

"He's your son to." She stated

"Fine whatever, I have your cell number, just don't take to long. I'm really tired and I have things to do to." I said taking the baby to the couch.

"I'm trusting you with him Jackson, take care of him, ok? If there is any scratch on him I swear to god I'll kill you!" Lilly yelled

I watched both girls walk out the door. I looked down at Dustin to see him smiling a smile only a baby could. Seeing him always made my heart melt, even though I wasn't able to see him often in the past six months. I touched his nose as he cooed up at me. He looks a lot like me. Dark blonde hair, eye color, everything! But he had a lot of Lilly in him too. I made a little pillow fort from the couch pillows and nested him in them. He gurgled as I rubbed his tummy. I rubbed his stomach until he fell asleep. I thought I would take the advantage of taking a nap myself. I curled up in the chair next to the couch and fell asleep.

I heard a distant, sharp, whining. It was so annoying I switched sides and fell into a deeper sleep. I kept hearing that annoying sound I wanted to find it and kill it but I just kept sleeping until I felt a sharp pain in my back like somebody kicked me.

"Jackson get your fucking ass up!" I heard a voice yell

"Dustin! Dustin! Jackson where's Dustin!?" I heard again

That annoying sound was back.

"Its ok baby, shh, it's ok." I heard. Then the sharp pains came back. I opened my eyes to see Lilly hitting me.

"How could you do this Jackson?" Lilly said with tears down her face

"What are you talking about" I groaned

"Dustin! He rolled under the couch and couldn't get out! Why weren't you watching him?" She screamed

"I was watching him; he fell asleep so I decided to sleep a little while." I said realizing it was way past dark. Wow how long was I asleep. Oh my god, I slept 10 hours.

"Why didn't you here him crying?" Lilly sobbed handing Dustin to Miley

"Lilly come here" Miley said

I looked over to Miley who was changing Dustin. I saw a large purple bruise covering most of his arm and back. I jumped up as fast as I could to help my son.

"Get away Jackson" Miley yelled

"I want to help" I pleaded my voice full of fear.

"I think you've done enough, I don't want you near him again!" Lilly screamed

"I think we should take him to the emergency room." Miley suggested

"Ill grab a bottle on the way he's probably starving" Lilly sobbed wiping her nose

"Mommy's here baby, mommy's right here" Lilly whispered holding Dustin gently. She and Miley hurried out the door. I saw headlights leave the driveway.

What have I done? I ran upstairs and grabbed whatever was left of the thing that ruined my life and caused me to hurt my son. I flushed the soft powder and watched my life go down with it.


End file.
